Sometimes spaghetti likes to be alone

Yeah, right.
Remember one of the first scenes of that great movie, Big Night, when the chef Primo refuses to serve spaghetti as a side dish for risotto, wondering how can someone order starch and carbs at the same time? Remember how the customer keeps asking for more cheese on his serving of pasta? Remember how another customer assumes that the spaghetti automatically comes with meatballs? "No, sometimes spaghetti likes to be alone", answers the waiter, trying to accommodate the guests and to stay true to his Italian heritage at the same time.

That's a difficult task and in all honesty, I gave up. I gave up trying to understand the ranch dressing thing, I stopped saying that Italian food is not all about garlic, (which we use just to add a hint of flavor, not to replace lack of flavor), I quit explaining that the pregrated, prepacked, never expiring "parmesan" from Chile has nothing to do with the noble cheese of Central Italy, and that we don't use THAT MUCH OF IT anyways, I'm tired of saying that pizza to me is not a chewy piece of dough surmounted by an extra thick layer of greasy cheese and an insane combination of fatty toppings, I don't want to inform you that pesto sauce doesn't really have to be everywhere, I no longer feel horrified by that monstrous meat lasagna dish, I stopped giving recommendations on the food we serve, because if I did, I'd just say you'd better leave and go order somewhere else where they have absolutely nothing on the menu that resembles fettuccini Alfredo or spaghetti meatballs (who is this Alfredo anyways?).

You want extra cheese on a pizza that is already only about cheese? FINE. You want to add pesto, chicken, broccoli and clams to your fettuccini pomodoro? NO PROBLEM. You want even more bread and butter with your meal? OK WITH ME. You want to dip the pizza crust in Thousand Island dressing? SURE. You want a pink sauce? WHY NOT? You want to eat eggplant parmigiana with a side of tortellini? FINE. You think three glasses of root beer go well with your veal? GREAT.

I'll do what you want. I'm here to please you. Just remember though: Sometimes spaghetti likes to be alone.

Rules of the game

During all these years, I've served tons of customers. Many of them I've seen more than once, and their face has become familiar, as well as their taste in food. I can tell you what dressing they like on the salad, how often they go out for pizza, what type of beer they drink, what side dish they enjoy with their chicken parmigiana, how thin their crust must be.

Does that make me their intimate confidant? I don't think so. I don't even know their name! As a matter of fact, one of my personal rules is:"Never get to know a customer by name". Because that can only lead to worse.

When Mark, the saturday night guy that always wants to sit at table 13 and would never - and I mean never - order anything else than his veal with spaghetti, followed by a slice of cheesecake, when he told us his name, everyone freaked out. BIG DISASTER! You are nice, you know, you come in, you don't talk much, in fact you don't talk at all, you are easy, freaky and predictable, so predictable that by the time you take your coat off, your veal is already frying on the pan, and you haven't even ordered yet. So why did you ruin everything?

I mean, you were perfect, never a word, just signs, credit card on the table to mean you are ready to pay, nod to the right to ask for more water, nod to the left to request extra bread. Perfect! Why did you need to tell us your name? That's not good.

Please don't, at least you, silent Mark, please don't start making me your friend. I'd say especially you, freaky Mark. I saw the horrified look on your face the night you came in and your table 13 was already taken. Big change to sit 2 numbers before, you could barely handle it. We realize you must have things your way, the same way, you must sit on table 13 on saturday night and you must have veal parmigiana with spaghetti, 2 glasses of water and a slice of cheescake. I know you must pay and sign before the cheesecake arrives to the table, I know you always have to go to the restroom after the meal, leaving your jacket on the chair, I know, we all know. But please don't make me part of it, I don't want to understand why you do what you do, I don't want to tell you my name, I don't need to know yours.

I Am NOT Your Friend

It didn't take me long to understand how waiting tables here in the U.S. is a different task than in Italy. Simply put, the TIP is what keeps the dining worlds apart.

In Italy, when they don't work under the table, waiters receive a regular salary and people who dine out don't have to leave tips. They may or may not, but if they do, it's just an extra courtesy and the small change they leave is not even enough for a bus ride. Good service or bad service, it doesn't matter. At the end of the month the waiter will cash in the same amount of money.

Here tips set the rules. You work for the tip, you smile for the tip, you keep filling water for the tip, you ask:” Is everything OK?” for the tip, you make eye contact for the tip, you offer your advice (i.e. you lie) on wine and food for the tip, you introduce yourself (just to clarify, I've never done that...) for the tip. Even if they hate doing that, waiters end up being all friendly and social, so that their duties begin to resemble more those of a VP of Customer Relations than those of a food runner.

But for some obscure reasons, customers at the dining table love to be fooled; they go out and feel lonely; they forget the obvious even if they've barely touched the wine. It happens all the time: customers do not want to think that you’re there smiling at them because your goal is at least a 20% on top of the bill. They actually like the fact that someone finally talks to them in a nice way; worst of all, some of them may even start talking back and try to engage you in a conversation that is not about the thickness of the pizza crust or the amount of butter in the cream sauce.

As soon as you notice the signs of an imminent too friendly conversation, if you are not smart and fast enough to come up with an excuse to run away, (why the pizza for your table is never ready when you need it?), you are trapped. The friendly customers will start telling you all about their family (and you think: "I don’t care, you know?"), their long day at work ("I don’t care, I am at work, you know?"), their happy children ("I don’t care, those kids at table 5 left a mess and I need to clean it up, you know?"), their new girlfriend ("I don’t care, I am single, you know?"), their ex-wife ("I don't care, did I mention I am single for a reason, you know?"), their social life ("I don’t care, I am here forced to be social and I hate it, you know?"), their last workout session ("I don't care, you should rather stop eating all that cheese, you know?"), their Italian heritage and family traditions ("I don’t care, I was born and raised in Italy, I think I know better, you know?"), their plans for Xmas ("I don' care, all I want is a day off to stay away from this place, you know?").

Why don’t you get it, people? I don't want to hear your stories, I don't want to know your name nor that of all your extended family, I don't want to help you planning your next trip to Italy, I don't want to know what you do for living and where you went to school, I don't want to share my favourite tomato sauce recipe with you, I don't want to hear your movie recommendations and I don't want to teach you italian. All I want is being able to deliver the spaghetti when they're still hot, add meatballs if you like them, and hand you the bill.

Just remember: I am NOT your friend; I DON’T want to be one.